Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
