By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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