You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
