we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
