dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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