My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
