you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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