Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Less talking, more tequila
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
