Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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