I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
