I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
