after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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