Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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