i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
