Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
