i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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