If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
