i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
