I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
