Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The Olympian is in my bed
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
