I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
