im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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