Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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