The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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