I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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