at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
