I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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