I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
