its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
