You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
