I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
