Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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