my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize