Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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