this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
