the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
