Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
