Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
