i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
