is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
