You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my phone needs a breathalizer
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
