The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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