I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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