he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You've changed since you got that strap on
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
