Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
