You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He shit in the fireplace
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
