i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize