You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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