last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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