Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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