my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
