This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
