My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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