she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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