I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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