dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
