They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
