I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
