I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
