your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
