fuck your aforementioned shoe
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
NoShamevember. You game?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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