I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
