I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
