So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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