I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
