I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
