My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
