Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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