College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
