Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
